Unseen forces

During my poly days, when my sis went aboard to study, the financial burden is really heavy, at that time i told myself that i am going to work right after poly. But after graduating, i don't feel ready for the workforce so i decided to continue stay in my comfort zone, studies. I have been thinking for months, whether if it is the right choice. My eldest sis is convincing me that it is the right path because by being a full time student, i would have more time to focus studies, and thus do well. 

But thinking back, if i have been braver, more adventurous, more practical, and not think so much, i would have gone to work, at least my mum wont feel so heavily burdened. 

The pressure, the expectations, the comparisons, the spoiled identity, the helplessness, has been either ringing at the back of mind or constantly on my mind. Maybe i'm not mentally strong enough when i should be. Hate being this weak, Feeling so lousy. 

How i wish i am made of steel, if not, have a heart like steel. 

Why compare? Everyone hates being compared, then why still compare someone and another? If the people around feel bad about  the person,  he/she himself/herself must have feel it 10 or 100 times worse than the people around. People around wants the person to do better, he/she wants himself/herself to do so so much better. Everyone wants to be the good in everything, but no matter how much he/she wants or try, there's always some existing inadequacy. We will strive for it, but we need time to do what it's expected. How i wish i could just transform instantly into what is of expected or to just delete and re-write the part of history that others deemed as bad. But i cant, this is me, and that's the path i had once gone through, although the path wasn't glamorous, and definitely seen as undesirable and unpleasant to all, i believe everything happens for a reason. It made me learn, see things more clearly, pushes my limit. For these, i learnt it through a hard way, but it wasn't that bad, because it made me learn. I just hope that you can accept the difference. They are they, i can't be them, they can't be me. They have had their achievements in their own ways, i will achieve mine in my own way.

Although i have not become the daughter that you can be proud of it now, but please be patient with me, i will strive towards it.

I should stop being a weakling thinking of things like what i could have done etc, time to look what's ahead and focus. Since i'm already on this route, might as well focus and finish degree well kick out negativity like 'maybe i should quit school'. 

I NEED TO BE STRONGER!!